Can't Orgasm with Your Partner? This Might Be Why.

If you’re a woman then it might be likely that you’re having a wonderful time reaching climax by yourself. But then, when you get it on with your partner, something gets in the way of the Big O. So, what’s really happening when we can’t reach climax with our partner?

The Clitoris Requires More Stimulation for Climax

There are stark biological similarties between the clitoris and the penis. Yes, unfortunately we are still using the male experience to understand the female experience. But once you see that the clitoris is another version of the same sex parts that formed differently in utero, it makes sense that the clitoris requires a lot more stimulation to reach orgasm - they are mirrors of the same sex part. Penetration alone is far less likely to help a woman climax as 80% of women orgasm clitorally. Stimulating both the vagina and the clitoris will allow for maximum impact.

It’s also helpful to do some pelvic floor exercises every day. If you are already strong on the squeeze, practice slowing down the release.

What an extraordinary body you have!

The More Embodied You Are, The Better the Orgasm

The more grounded and at home you are in your body, the more you will experience pleasure. The better you know your body, the more you’ll feel. The more embodied you are, the less you’ll need to rely on external factors.

You are a Pleasure Seeker

If you hear any external voices telling you that you are not a sex-craving being, those are incorrect (often patriarchal or religious teachings, set to control women). You are a pleasure seeker, it is your human right. There is no incorrect fantasy. They are all divine and they don’t all have to be real. Imagination makes humaning fun. Learn to love your body and its divine gifts. This is crucial for excellent connection and climax.

Intimacy Expands in Safety

Every body deserves to feel safety, especially in relationship. Being more emotionally vulnerable with your partner will invite more safety. The deepest intimacy happens when we feel safe to be ourselves. Safe men are grounded in their bodies. They have done the inner work it requires to hold space for her emotions and for relating in general. He knows conscious communication. He is present, whole. He allows her to be exactly who she is without critique. Men aren’t ready for the feral, liberated woman (in the best way possible) who is released once she feels safe.

You Expect the Conditions to be Perfect for Sex

We have to let go of the idea that sex is going to be perfect. We have to also let go of the idea that the conditions need to be perfect. That the kids need to be staying elsewhere, or the house needs to be spotless, or that there is nothing stressful happening at work, or that your parnter has said all the right things this week. There is rarely a time when all the stars align. Leaning into loving each other, reagardless of external perfection is what keeps love alive.

You Masturbate Differently from Partnered Sex

If you often self-pleasure in the same way every time, and then you have sex in a different way or position, it’s going to impact the way you climax with your partner. There are two things that can be done here. Communciate and even show your partner how you masturbate and how you climax on your own, to give them an understanding of what it takes to make you tick. Maybe it’s a position he’s never even seen or a different pressure point. Set aside any preconceptions about what women want that you’ve seen in porn. It’s not a correct representation of how most women touch themselves or feel pleasure or reach climax. And every body is unique. Your partner should only be interested in what gets you off.

The second part of this is to start masturbating differently. If you always masturbate with your legs together, practice doing it with them apart. If you always lie on your tummy, practice lying on your back. If you only ever use external stimulation, try using internal and external. Trying these new ways will broaden your capacity to reach climax in different positions with your partner. If you get frustrated because these new masturbation methods aren’t giving you the big O, then don’t force it, let yourself come the way you like, but do keep practicing so the body gets used to new forms of pleasure.

Try Different Hip Movements During Sex

More motion in the hips is going to encoouage more vaginal and clitoril stimulation. Move those hips, round and round and back and forth. If you’re not sure what this feels like, practice when you’re alone by straddling a pillow. Then let your partner know that you’re practicing moving diffferently. Invite him to swing his hips with you. If he is only used to the jackhammer method, this is going to feel different for him and make take time to get used to. But, if you’re a woman, it’s going to be very nice for you.

Write Down Your Sex and Pleasure Pledge

This is a beautiful practice where you and your partner write down your sexual desires and fantasies. You share without judgement. You don’t even have to put them into practice. You can also write your pleasure manifesto alone. It can be entirely yours! Remind yourself, every BODY is deserving of pleasure.

Now, off you gooooooooh yeah.